Telling Myself: to live HERE

Do you ever get so busy, you forget you had a goal for the day? Maybe in all the craziness of real life, the To Do list was updated to the To Do Tomorrow list. I've been feeling like that for a while. Come to think of it, probably since I was sixteen years old, which feels like both forever ago, and only a few days past.

On those nights when I didn't collapse into bed and immediately pass out in exhaustion, I'd lay there trying to slow my brain down by making a mental list of the things I'd do tomorrow, then wistfully imagine my magical home once I got things organized. My children would be well behaved, the dryer would never gobble another sock, I'd cook fabulous meals from scratch out of thin air, things would be simple, relaxing, and beautiful.

When I was in college, I thought it'd be so much simpler when I had a career. When I was working, I thought it'd be so much simpler if I could stay home with the kiddos. Here's the shocker: now that I'm home with the kiddos, life is as complicated as ever. Maybe even more so, as I'm responsible for more than just my own self.

The commonality to all this, besides the busy craziness and wishing for a calm existence? In this case, it would be me. My commitments made, to do lists of both the necessary and completely unrealistic, the mental picture of an ideal home and family life . . . in all these "should do" and "could be" things I've collected, what did I do with myself? What did I do with that handsome, wonderful man I married and sweet, angelic little babies? Well, they'v stuck with me, though all my craziness. Lately I've been reminded (or been noticing all the blatantly obvious hints!) that one can do wonders with what one has on hand. That life slips by far to quickly, and I've slipped back into the mindset of spending every day wishing it was Friday instead - wishing my life away.

So I'm giving up all those aspirations. I'm going to sit on my duff!   Wait! That's not where I'm going with this rambling :)

I'm re-evaluating all these illusions I've adopted of what an ideal life, home and family would look like. I want to scrub away the nonsense and get down to what is true, right, and good. I'm reminding myself of the things that I need to be and trying not to include one of the stereo types tagging along. Right, I'm human, and I'm sure at times this will be an abysmal failure. Will I be a better me? Wife, Mom, Friend? I hope so.

One day I'm going to reread this post with aged wisdom and realize what a goof I am/was. That's okay, I'm going to do the best I can with what I have now. :)

not as old as i thought it was

I distinctly remember being three and four years old and looking up at my mom and thinking she was a grown-up, but never that she was "old." In one memory in particular, I can still see where we were in my old hometown, the sunlight streaming into our blue Ford Tempo from the west. Mom was singing along with the radio, quietly, and I told her she sounded so pretty, like the singer. She was my mom, wonderful at a lot of things, and a grown-up. I thought I'd never be a grown-up since it would take forever to get there. 

Old wasn't really a concept I had a full understanding of at the time, though I've given it more thought since then. Mom was my current age at the time I'm thinking of. That's the weird thing, now I'm that age. I find myself looking at my daughter and wondering what she's thinking. She made the off handed comment the other day that I'm so old. Sure, old compared to FIVE. I've lived more than five times her lifetime. OUCH. Let's not do the math comparing to my two year old. 

This morning really solidified the fact that I'm a grown-up now. We were in the car, and an tune I used to love came on the radio. I turned it up and excitedly told my daughter, "This is a great song! It was so cool when I was in high school!" DOH. I just don't feel old, or like what I thought being a grown-up would feel like. I'm relieved that I don't feel like a teenager anymore (whew!). I guess being a grown-up doesn't feel old after all, though sometimes life can make us feel old, no mater what age we are. Here's to all cheesy high school songs they'll be playing in the grocery store in the mornings in a few more years. BRING IT ON.

     

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