insert witty title here

Every once in a while I find myself in a slippery conversation and realize I'm not really getting my point across but can't help but to continue. Continue to what end... not sure. It's like having a Foot-in-Mouth Day. One of the days when you know you should attempt to say as little as at all possible for as much of the day as possible. Today was one of those days, and I had one of those conversations. Contemplating later all the other things I could have said, I realized that talking to some people is like looking through a glass, thinking it is a window and then realizing that it is really a two way mirror. Exactly like that.

fluctuation, perception

when contemplated too far... zooming in on something too far... the quicksands of life can drown you... perception... a constantly changing, constantly barraging, thought, belief. there are few pillars of belief that are not in a state of flux, or merely change in outer appearance while the same basic, steadfast point remains... glimmering, turning, watery beauty that a light shines out of - the light of unbending truth.

never never land?

I've climbed to the top of these stairs before. They are the same stairs, turning, cold stone stairs climbing a tower, ever climbing, clockwise, clockwise, upward, upward. Never reaching the top of the tower, the final step brings me to the top of a straight, regular staircase, alone, and a dark fogginess covering anything but the stairs ... I've seen this before, the same never getting anywhere feeling. Just when the hard part is done, it turns out that was the easy part. Finally, I know what I'm talking about - wait no, I know I don't. Read back to the childish journal entries of the past, five, ten, fifteen years... wait, it's the same voice, the same soul, the same newness and naivety. Am I trapped in an emotional never never land?

my own scarf full of hugs

Throughout the day lately, my daughter, seemingly out of the blue, will say to me, "I love you my mother." She says it cool, calm, serious, often while she's coloring or otherwise busy. But every time she says it, I feel like I just got a great big warm hug from her, and know that despite all the crazy hectic days and arguments over whether she'll eat her carrots or go to bed when it is bed time, there's a mother-daughter bond, love, that won't be broken, even when she thinks I'm a crazy old lady out of touch with "cool". I'm storing up all these hugs for remembering later... 

I used to send a scarf with her to kindergarten that was "full up with extra hugs for all day" while she was there and I was at work. I'm thinking I'll need my own scarf soon enough. There's an old song, about the uncertainties of the future, I don't remember all of it or if it's quoting something, but one line stays with me:  "I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future." 

not as old as i thought it was

I distinctly remember being three and four years old and looking up at my mom and thinking she was a grown-up, but never that she was "old." In one memory in particular, I can still see where we were in my old hometown, the sunlight streaming into our blue Ford Tempo from the west. Mom was singing along with the radio, quietly, and I told her she sounded so pretty, like the singer. She was my mom, wonderful at a lot of things, and a grown-up. I thought I'd never be a grown-up since it would take forever to get there. 

Old wasn't really a concept I had a full understanding of at the time, though I've given it more thought since then. Mom was my current age at the time I'm thinking of. That's the weird thing, now I'm that age. I find myself looking at my daughter and wondering what she's thinking. She made the off handed comment the other day that I'm so old. Sure, old compared to FIVE. I've lived more than five times her lifetime. OUCH. Let's not do the math comparing to my two year old. 

This morning really solidified the fact that I'm a grown-up now. We were in the car, and an tune I used to love came on the radio. I turned it up and excitedly told my daughter, "This is a great song! It was so cool when I was in high school!" DOH. I just don't feel old, or like what I thought being a grown-up would feel like. I'm relieved that I don't feel like a teenager anymore (whew!). I guess being a grown-up doesn't feel old after all, though sometimes life can make us feel old, no mater what age we are. Here's to all cheesy high school songs they'll be playing in the grocery store in the mornings in a few more years. BRING IT ON.

     

      Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

dunno what twenty ten crazy means...

me: please stop, you are making me crazy. 
daughter: ehhh mom, how crazy are you? 
me: like, twenty TEN crazy. 
daughter: oh [looking unsurprised] that's crazy.

frowny-face

it's not a dislike of fried eggs
it's not a spontaneous dance-off with a five year old
nor Mrs. Peacock, aghast

it's tearing up, watery eyes
traitorous lump in your throat
with a heartache stomach-burn
depressive writing, another page to turn   ...