Showing posts with label beautiful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beautiful. Show all posts

let the light shine on your efforts

"The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun. Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before usEcclesiastes 1:9-10
Don't let Solomon stifle your creativity - pick up the Book and get the context of the futility of trying to create some temporal immortality, toiling under the sun. Bearing that in mind, just because it's been said or done before, doesn't mean that your personal touch on something won't make it ring true for someone now.
There's all these inspirational quotes about going for it, you can do it, some followed with an at least you tried (anyone else thinking of Lord Tennyson's famous "Tis better to have loved and lost"?)
But then there's that crystallizing moment, when something you've seen, read, heard, so many times before, suddenly clicks. This quote was it for me when I read it the other day:



Telling Myself: to live HERE

Do you ever get so busy, you forget you had a goal for the day? Maybe in all the craziness of real life, the To Do list was updated to the To Do Tomorrow list. I've been feeling like that for a while. Come to think of it, probably since I was sixteen years old, which feels like both forever ago, and only a few days past.

On those nights when I didn't collapse into bed and immediately pass out in exhaustion, I'd lay there trying to slow my brain down by making a mental list of the things I'd do tomorrow, then wistfully imagine my magical home once I got things organized. My children would be well behaved, the dryer would never gobble another sock, I'd cook fabulous meals from scratch out of thin air, things would be simple, relaxing, and beautiful.

When I was in college, I thought it'd be so much simpler when I had a career. When I was working, I thought it'd be so much simpler if I could stay home with the kiddos. Here's the shocker: now that I'm home with the kiddos, life is as complicated as ever. Maybe even more so, as I'm responsible for more than just my own self.

The commonality to all this, besides the busy craziness and wishing for a calm existence? In this case, it would be me. My commitments made, to do lists of both the necessary and completely unrealistic, the mental picture of an ideal home and family life . . . in all these "should do" and "could be" things I've collected, what did I do with myself? What did I do with that handsome, wonderful man I married and sweet, angelic little babies? Well, they'v stuck with me, though all my craziness. Lately I've been reminded (or been noticing all the blatantly obvious hints!) that one can do wonders with what one has on hand. That life slips by far to quickly, and I've slipped back into the mindset of spending every day wishing it was Friday instead - wishing my life away.

So I'm giving up all those aspirations. I'm going to sit on my duff!   Wait! That's not where I'm going with this rambling :)

I'm re-evaluating all these illusions I've adopted of what an ideal life, home and family would look like. I want to scrub away the nonsense and get down to what is true, right, and good. I'm reminding myself of the things that I need to be and trying not to include one of the stereo types tagging along. Right, I'm human, and I'm sure at times this will be an abysmal failure. Will I be a better me? Wife, Mom, Friend? I hope so.

One day I'm going to reread this post with aged wisdom and realize what a goof I am/was. That's okay, I'm going to do the best I can with what I have now. :)

fluctuation, perception

when contemplated too far... zooming in on something too far... the quicksands of life can drown you... perception... a constantly changing, constantly barraging, thought, belief. there are few pillars of belief that are not in a state of flux, or merely change in outer appearance while the same basic, steadfast point remains... glimmering, turning, watery beauty that a light shines out of - the light of unbending truth.

Dream: the one where i mostly watch it like a movie, a friend is living with two possesed dolls and there's a giant house being built

Last night I dreamed:
     I was leaving a house. It's an older, single level small home with a rickety wooden screen door that doesn't make any noise as it falls closed while I leave. I step off of the old boardwalk that runs the length of the house front and walk away. I know there is something there I am yet to accomplish - I'm putting it off.
    A few more steps down the dusty dirt road and I'm standing in, then just watching, a semi-futuristic hospital room. My friend Anwen is there, she's a nurse, listening intently to a doctor's instructions that I cannot hear. I see her nodding, yes, sir. I'm not surprised to see her, I know she's just moved back to the area and just getting started  as a nurse here. As the the doctor leaves, the patient watches Anwen's face as she turns to him- she's his life line here, he's very weak. Over all though, he doesn't look ill to me. Actually, he appears in excellent physical health, muscular, lightly tanned, golden blonde hair, intelligent eyes. They both exude a sweet innocence as they stare into each other's eyes. I can feel as clearly as though I could see some sort of electrical bond, a glowing blue force binding them together: in that look, they know fates are tied, nothing will separate them. Watching as an unseen presence, they talk, several days have passed while I watched here. He'll be discharged soon, if only they can hide their bond to each other and maintain the expected nurse-patient appearance. They have a plan. As he leaves, I am at Anwen's side. She smiles - she knew I would be there, to go with her.
   I follow her as we follow her steps in the plan. Go out the hallway and then we are on the way to a small antique town. We arrive by an old white school house church. It's the same one from Little House in the Prairie, the hill it sits on cut and pasted into a heavily wooded area. We head towards a steeply arced wooden bridge and the view changes, I'm watching alone from above the other side of the bridge as a wagon comes up from the school side.
   Russell Crowe is in an old buckboard wagon with the director of the new Robin Hood movie he's staring in (Crowe is working on a Robin Hood movie right now in RL, btw). Russell is dressed as Robin and the director, who is holding the reigns, is Friar Tuck. As they come over the top of the bridge about to start their descent, I worry how the two horses will handle the wagon and not be crushed by it. I picture their back legs bending under the press of the wagon. Then I feel Friar's reassurance, This is how it was always done! Everything will be fine. Actually, we'll be crossing several bridges that were built much like this one on the way. He's reassuring Russel. I get the impression of the hooves beating down on the bridge boards allegro staccato and the two lean sharply back from the momentum.
   I move on towards the right, heading to the town, a wisp floating to where I'll be watching next. I'm in the main section of town, passing over the house I left earlier. It's now the first house I come to, on the left side of the dirt road. I never see the buildings on the right. Someone is in that house. I should go back... instead I continue on, descending as I come to a five level house under construction. This is the house the community is building for Anwen and her handsome patient. He's very important to them - honored even. As I float down, it's night, bright stars are visible above the dense pine trees surrounding the town.
   I join Anwen on the third level, where she is getting ready. She points, my room is just down the unfinished hall. I can see the stars through the walls - there is just boards and yellow electrical wires. The walls are unfinished and I know if I were to look up, I would see through the next two floors to the completely finished roof. I get settled in. There are boxes and a sleeping bag on the floor. Everyone has been assigned a room and each room is expected to sleep at least two. I wonder at it in confusion for a moment, but am assured by Anwen's plan. I go down to the area in the front of the house and meet with some of the town folk. We move as a group to a modern high school cafeteria. The tables are in the back and the chairs are set up facing the end of the room where the school band has been arranged to play a welcoming concert for Anwen. I sit at her left in the front row. I don't hear the concert, but when it is finished, she must leave to get back to her room. I can hear the bustle of the crowd now as I look around the room. My husband in RL is suddenly at my side, carrying our young son, our daughter beside us. It's time to go back to the house. You know what needs to be done. He impresses this to me as he lays a hand on my arm.
   We walk back up the road to the house I left earlier. The brother of a close friend answers the door. Since our friend died, there have been two demons that have been visiting the house, causing unrest. They make their presence known by entering two large dolls that are normally just animated toys. I leave everyone in the front room as I follow the dolls into the kitchen. Suddenly they both stop, falling down. I can see myself standing by the cooking fireplace while one doll lies limp on the table, the other on a chair further in. They slowly become animated again and I know the two spirits have come. I've something to do to change their course, and free the home for the brother.
Dream over.